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Living with 290

Living with 290: Will I ever get my life back?

I made a mistake and now everyone knows it even people that don’t know me. I have had person show up to where I work to beat me up because they seen me on the website. I didn’t work there anymore thank God. Still that is messed up. I have missed out on many jobs in my life because of it. I know I did the crime so I have to pay for it but why is there no way for me for me to stop repay my debt.

I did what I did when I was 19 now I just turned 31. I have been off parole for years now. I just live my life I’ve been lucky and found a woman who loves me dearly we’re married and I have a son with one on the way. I don’t know how what I have done will effect his life. I just want him to grow up being proud of me and who knows what will happen. How do I tell him and when. I just want to live a regular life take to ball games, coach his little league team but I can’t . It worries me what happens when they have friends what do I have to tell they’re parents then what. I don’t know what will happen. I just pray for change and maybe one day people will realize that people do change people change everyday but that doesn’t apply to sex offenders. I guess.

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  1. Q

    I have nothing but empathy; I feel the same as you and I often wonder some of the same things. My “crime” didn’t involve a child, an adult, or another human being for that matter; it was what I can only describe as a thought “crime.” Yet I’m treated as though I’m a mentally deranged psychopath with nefarious intentions towards little photogenic cute white girls; only.

    I think the paradox is that the deceived public and the public dis servants are the ones that display the sociopathic personality traits we are constantly accused of. They are so wrapped up in their little lives that they fail to see the lie they keep alive and growing through their unwillingness to even look at the truth. I wonder just how many of these holier than though hypocrites are committing a sex offense right now, as I type?!?!

    • broken wings

      Q, you are so right. People attack that which they fear in themselves. Instead of embracing their own demons and becoming self aware, they shut off sides of their existence that are better brought to light. I know. If I had confronted my demon, and also was helped along by a society that looked to the understanding first, not blame and shame first, I might not be where I am now. I would not be surprised if the current war on sex offenders is not just driving people into denial and making things worst. I believe the re-offense rate is so low, because once you have to confront yourself, you are open to change. Punishment should function to get you to that realisation, that self awareness, which leads to compassion and a chance at a better life. Sure, there are some crimes which go too far, but these horrendous crimes earn life in prison or death already. Putting lifetime punishment on lesser offenders goes against everything our justice system used to represent. Indefinite punishment only serves to turn back that self awareness, because you are now the victim of unending violence against your person. Yes, violence, because causing pain for its own sake is violence, whether an individual or the State enacts it. What victim finds it easy or even possible to forgive the perpetrator who never let’s up. And where do you go when your attacker is pretty much all of society? You find people in the same situation. You give what you can to organizations that are sympathetic, such as Can RSOL. Heck if the powerful would ever listen to us, which I don’t see happening in my lifetime, we might be able to actually help those hypocrites before it is too late for them. Rant over and out.

      • broken wings

        Can RSOL. OK so my computer put in a word I didn’t intend. Nonetheless, I thought about it and have a new name for you all: Yes We Can Reform Sex Offender Laws.

  2. Robert Curtis

    Letter to my pastor Kenton Beshore:

    Hello Kenton Beshore and my Mariner’s family. About standing against evil…It’s the ears to hear eyes to see thing. There are many forms of not hearing. One is not being at a place in life where you can identify with an unrelated truth to your situation…that’s an honest just not getting it. We’ve all been there (my teen’s there now). Another is a matter of fixation and the truth stands in the way of your desires and/or fixation so you harden your heart and choose not to hear the matter. It’s the inconvenient truth dilemma. Then there’s The elephant in the room which states maybe if we ignore it long enough it’ll just go away. And finally- the follow the crowd (herd) syndrome. Well, everyone is stoning that adulteress so let’s not challenge the sex offender registry (laws) after all I don’t want to be unpopular. Bingo, I think we have a winner. Where would we be if our prophets of old had that attitude? We would still be in sheep skins looking under rocks for worms (not meaning to insult worms). The Church was quiet about slavery for 200 years, about the Nazi’s about women not being able to vote and the murder of 100 million native peoples. Now we finally have that one group we can horribly terrorize without impunity in fact not to terrorize them would be seen as somehow condoning their once horrible deeds. They can’t fight back or even complain because to do so would bring attention to themselves and their loved ones. So they live in the worse place ever in fear, darkness without a voice. Being FEARLESS is the big money trumpet to day. Well, I got one for you donate some to a hard working Christian Jewish lady that is fighting against that darkness. Janice Bellucci President of RSOL CA. To stand against evil..even David rewarded those that stood behind watching the supplies. God will honor our church for giving to this cause. Me? I get nothing but encouraging the right thing to be done. In my state Texas I don’t have to register as a sex offender. I might move back there in a few years. Let’s fight against these draconian laws in Jesus name. he would. Abortion of the unborn is I agree wrong but abortion of the once convicted is also wrong. Do what is right not what is popular. TRUTH

    https://all4consolaws.org/

  3. Tired Of Hiding

    Remember that in America everyone gets a second chance when they make a mistake…it’s the American way. Oh never mind…that doesn’t apply to sex offenders.

    Sure murder someone, pay your debt to society and you are free to go…live where you will….pursue the happiness that is a basic human right and certainly a principle that America was built on.

    But…get on that RSO list and it’s over for you. You are one of the marked ones. We might as well have 666 on our foreheads. We are marked for life…no one wants us to live next to them…ever.

    No second chance. Not even 3 strikes and you are out. Nope – 1 and we have lost our lives…they no longer belong to use when we have to report our movement for the rest of our lives.

  4. Justfortoday

    My heart feels for you!

    I am a female sex offender still on parole. I also have found a man that loves me for who I am and not for what society sees me as: a sex offender. My suggestion to you is to try to not to future-trip. I look at it as: just for today, I am a sex offender, or, just for today, I am on parole.

    You sound like a wonderful man and I trust in God that He will guide you as a father and proud parent. Do the next right thing and you will see the results. I am really proud of you for your honesty but don’t let the thoughts you have become your reality. Feelings are not facts. 🙂

    Alcoholism and drug abuse are part of the huge web of my crime. I will never again get to teach kids again and through my recovery from the disease I am plagued with, I know that I will be ok. I have accepted my fate and try to live with a open heart and mind.

    I had to take a DUI class as part of my many legal issues and I was thoroughly honest about being a sex offender and my lost career as a teacher. I explained my reliance on things outside of me. It was not about “what was I thinking”, it was more “what was I feeling”. If I was truly THINKING, I would not be on parole with an ankle monitor. The reaction of different types of people in my class was remarkable. I actually SHARED my fear about the EXACT same things you are sharing. You know what people said to me? You will be a wonderful mom. People, for the most part, are inherently good!

    The stigma with being a sex offender is that people are lost in ignorance and fear. People question what they don’t understand. It is unfortunate and because of that, the laws reflect that and so do people’s opinions.

    I also try to stay positive and present in the moment. You will know what to do when the situations you are concerned about present themselves. Also, rely on the strength of your significant other. She will be a major help in reminding you that you are amazing and you will succeed! You are a team. 🙂

    I love the quote: “Be gentle on yourself, you’re doing the best you can.”

    I constantly remind myself that I am my own worst enemy if I want to be. I need to get out of my own way ALL the time. AND, that what other people think is NOT my business. When I feel low and I want to cry, I remember that too! 🙂

    I do not know you sir, but please believe that I care deeply for your situation. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am not yet a mother, but I STILL think the SAME EXACT things! It’s normal.

    Keep your head up and try not to let the fear get to you. Thank you for sharing your story. I do relate with your thoughts and feelings. Be grateful that you GET to be a dad! SO cool! You have SO much to be grateful for! I would not say this all to you if I myself, did not live by these principles. Again, I am SO proud of you! God bless!

  5. hope in the dark

    I feel for you. I am a sex offender on parole. I am a father of six. My youngest, my now ex wife and I,had to adopt rather than lose to CPS as a result of the trial I was enduring. The rest of my kids I can’t see because of my parole conditions, even though their mothers have no objection to my being in their lives.

    My children have had to defend themselves from verbal and physical attacks and I am directly responsible. I wonder if they resent me. I have been told my daughters want to see me as soon as I am legally able. My sons however I don’t know. They don’t choose to go by my last name any longer but bythat of their mother.

    Everywhere i go people judge me by the monitor on my ankle. They point abdand whisper. The internet doesn’t help me live a normal life nor dies it make life pleasant for my children and family.

    What do I tell my kids? The truth. What do I tell other parents? The truth. I don’t sugarcoat anything. What’s the point? Nobody sweetens their opinion. Not all are bad. I found a very nice church. They accept me and love me. They don’t let my past be what determines how they see me. I find great comfort in their lack of bias.

    Let the Lord guide you. Even though things are rough, it could always be worse. You could be serving a life sentence in an environment that had the potential for violence or even death on a daily basis. There are things we are lead to as well. You found a spouse and a family of your own. I found a life calling. I minister to parolees and am working with others on founding an agency to help offenders find housing in my area. Don’t fear the future. It hadn’t happened yet. Embrace each new day and live it to the fullest. Good luck.

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