I will be thirty five in about a month and a half. From time to time I reflect on my life so far. The good, bad, indifferent, mundane, thrilling, and horrifying moments alongside what I chose to do, what was chosen for me, and what I’ve not done. While I was looking forward to making some significant life changes in 2020 the pandemic has put many of those on hold.
Last night at work during a zoom meeting one of my co-workers said he planned to go on an in person date this weekend. Admittedly I was a little surprised two people who don’t know each other very well were going on in person dates while still in the midst of a pandemic. I understand people wanting to spend time together and in this case got the sense neither of them were up for doing anything completely idiotic that would be a big risk for getting sick with covid-19, but going to an aquarium might not be the safest option.
Since no one I work with knows I spent about 18 months in federal prison for a cp possession conviction back in 2012 and give years on supervised release thereafter they also don’t know much about my life outside work. I have never kissed anyone, gone on a date, had a woman standing naked in front of me, or done anything remotely sexual with someone else in person. While I can talk to people fairly easily I’m not someone who seeks out settings to be social in even prior to the pandemic. I don’t drink so I have had little or no reason to go hang out at bars or pubs. I’m not interested in dancing or party type environments and thus have no desire to go to clubs and lounges. Setting aside the fact that I’ve been working nights for close to six years, during day jobs typical nightlife activities were of little to no interest for me. As a result of these facts and others I haven’t really had any friends for years. I’m still weary of leaning too much into attempting to connect with people online primarily because many of the bigger platforms forbid those with sex offense convictions or sex offense registration requirements from maintaining accounts. Granted I grasp that many of these platforms especially those where people pay to have accounts probably wouldn’t say no to money. On the flipside I am not willing to play around with such things because who knows what collateral consequences could arise.
There I am in the zoom meeting at work last night offering encouragement for my co-worker and simultaneously wondering how I might meet someone.
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First thing I would do is join a gym you will feel better and it will open you up to other healthy people. You see people who workout or swim as I do, are up for challenges so you will overcome isolating. Healthy people would see our situation as a challenge not a burden, once your mentally and phisically strong you will be fine dealing with anything. Don’t become weak and critical, make your own attitude make your own life, and keep saying we ALL make mistakes in life.
You sound like an intelligent person who could probably meet and strike up a conversation with people very easily. I understand your hesitancy about meeting people online, so I would advise you to go back to the old fashion way. If you want a friend- be a friend.
I live in an area with a lot of dog walkers. I notice people striking up first time conversations all the time with fellow dog walkers.
If you don’t have a dog, perhaps you can adopt one. People will gravitate to you, and their first impression of you will likely be a good one- an animal lover. I hope you can meet some nice people soon.
Work, church and bars are the ways most people find new friends or lovers. I myself have social anxiety so I would go to bars because drinking would lower my anxiety and make me open up enough to talk to some people. Church is a good place for non drinkers, but I found it to be a difficult place to be if you have social anxiety. Work is a very common place to meet people, but dating at work really sucks if you break up with that person and still have to see them everyday. Unfortunately when you live in a small town and are listed on the internet, finding new friends or lovers is so much harder. It’s not hard to make online friends, but it’s best to not use your real last name anywhere on the internet for lots of reasons. I still think a bar is a good way to meet someone (even for just a 1 night stand) if you live in a large town where everyone won’t know you’re on Megan’s List. There are many tasty drinks you can buy at a bar that don’t taste like alcohol. Just be sure to get a safe ride home. There are many different types of bars with different age groups. I personally don’t go to a bars for dancing or be in a party atmosphere. I prefer quieter bars where you get to know people over time with conversation and a couple of drinks. There is someone out there for everyone, but you’ll never find them by staying at home. I would look into seeing a therapist for your social anxiety, it could help you. Your regular doctor could prescribe medication to help with anxiety. Also remember that you have to like who you are before expecting to find the right person to like you back. I don’t recommend dating apps because now days, everyone will Google search you before the first date.
Since I live in a small town and everyone now knows I’m on “the list”, I no longer go out to meet people and have replaced people with my two wonderful dogs.
Interestingly enough, I discovered the best connections, are with people who knew you before and during the ordeal. Yeah, my universe of friends shrank, but I learned who my true friends were. And the fact that I came through “relatively unscathed,” proved to women I knew/dated in the past, that I am worth being with.
I agree with the suggestions above. Although I met my wife online 22 years ago, that whole scene has changed and not in our favor.
If I suddenly found myself single, I’d go the traditional route and meet women through the activities I enjoy. We’d already have one thing in common. I’d feel no obligation to lead with my biggest liability and neither should you. Just be yourself and if it gets serious then consider full disclosure, but not until your dead set on spending your life with her.
Thinking about it a little more, if I was single I’d do everything I could do to get out of this country. Get a digital nomad visa to Estonia, get married, point yourself toward the US of A and flip the bird! 🙂 Best of luck, amigo!
I hear “ do meds”, “ go to a bar” , “ hang out at church”, “ talk to your therapist”. Know what I really hear? “I am desperate to be accepted again and will try anything because I can’t accept not being liked and need the approval of others”.
.Get on with life. It ends soon enough anyway. Who gives a rat’s ass if your friends won’t talk to you. What the hell did you ever talk about anyway. Therapy is a scam to make society think it is helping someone get past an issue when the issue is actually society. Going to a bar is like standing in line to get your head blown off. Everyone is there for the same reason, and the reason is they can’t handle being alone because of insecurity.
I won’t even begin to tell you what is wrong with churches. Talk about a total hypocrisy.
I work out of my house, take the dog to the beach early mornings so as not to see to many people, and avoid all social occurrences. I never liked the american way of life, dislike american values , and seldom even eat American style cooking. I am likely stuck in the middle of this crap for the rest of mine, however short or long that might be. I hope it is shorter, because I am getting tired.
When covid ends, try twelve step meetings. Go to a few. They are all different.
@C. I don’t want to be right as I would rather be wrong right. Whe whole point is we all make mistakes such as this registry or should we just call our probation officers and say I love you. We are all in this together but sharing and caring go together. Add a little love and friendship and than you have a better relationship.
@C and others on here. I received a letter from My Commonwealth State and sent a copy to Janice, if she would like to share this or post it I will give my premission as helping others and that sort of thing is what friends are all about.
No one forced to register shouldn’t have to constantly prove themselves to anyone. Stop living for other people’s approval, and acceptance. Stop seeking validation from people that will cut you off and ghost you once the learn your past.
If anything, YOU should be judging and comparing THEM. No one has a straight halo. Everyone has skeletons. Everyone is vulnerable to opinions and comparisons. The point is, there is no moral high ground for anyone to stand on and make you feel lesser than them. Especially those that cling to religion and don’t have a police record.
People who knew you before you became a pariah are usually the people who know that you are other than just a pariah.
I would suggest you nurture those relationships. Better to have one best friend than 100 sort of friends.
I bought a Harley. Thought it might be nice to go riding with a Veteran’s rider group. Both Combat Vets MA and Legion Riders told me to go fuck myself. I ended up going riding with a female friend of my ex wife who knows about my past (in general). She’s spent time in prison too, so we have that bond, but we never talk about it. We just ride, have coffee six feet apart and ride back. It’s not going anywhere intimate, but it’s interaction.
It can happen. You can make friends. It’s just not as easy as it was before you became a pariah. There are some people who have never even had a speeding ticket who have far more difficulty finding friends. Imagine being fat, with acne, rotted teeth and psoriasis? I would rather be a sex offender!
IM GLAD those [People Forced to Register] have a way to get off the register. However my fight is not over I’ve petitioned 4 different county where I resided as Trasiant to hear my case.. none of the county’s agreed to move forward in a court. But refused my access to be heard. IM FILING A 1ST AMENDMENT RIGJT TO GREAVANCE the countys under the Doubert Standard and mens rea. Also under the proff beyond reasonable doubt. IM also ready and able to go to the United states Supreme Court. Under the ripeness Cluse to examin Magens law as an Expost facto case. And lacks foundation. My fight is not over Ive spent 40 years researching cases and preparing petition for others and have a 75% sucess rate. I shall prevail. I did my time I have not commited another violent crime in 40 years.. its my turn to be removed from the register.