General Comments July 2014

PARODY…for now. Enjoy 🙂

Channel 13 Action News: News you can trust!
Anchorman: And finally tonight, some good news about what our officials are doing to protect our children.
Law enforcement across the country today made sweeping arrests netting thousands of sex offenders manufacturing pornography of the smallest babies you can imagine. Computers and manufacturing equipment were seized and investigators are combing through the records to find the recipients. “Fetal Porn” as it’s being called, has hit epidemic proportions across the civilized world, and something needed to be done to protect these children from being victims for life before they’re even born. At one ultrasound clinic in Iowa, arrows are even pointing at the anatomy clearly stating ‘penis.’ In other images, the captions read, “It’s a girl.”
These new measures are being implemented as part of the bill recently passed by Congress: “Save The Underage People In Danger—Legislation Against Wicked Sexuality (STUPID LAWS). During the debate, lawmakers heard from parents of children who had been victimized in the distant past, who agreed that this program could save one or more child, and children should have more rights than sex offenders. The only point of contention was which child to name it after. Legislators also heard testimony from people who found out that there were sex offenders living in their zip code, and since they’ve been informed that the re-offense rate for all sex offenders is over 100%, they felt that any new law was better than no new law at all.
Still, some officials had misgivings about rushing the approval of the bill. Democratic senator Butch McNanny said she was afraid that any kind of acknowledgement that a fetus could be victimized might be a slippery slope that could prevent a woman from getting an abortion. “We all know that having a sexual relationship with a 20-year old man is just another word for rape. Imagine, being 15, telling your parents you’re staying at a friend’s house, but really going to a party in a college dorm and hooking up with some drunk guy.This is the kind of traumatic experience that ruins your entire life. Everyone knows that there’s no difference between that male and the male who kidnaps a toddler to rape and murder it—it’s all a part of this ‘rape culture’ that we are fighting. But the answer is not to tell that 15 year old that if she gets pregnant, she can’t get the non-traumatic, non-memorable medical procedure she needs to resume her life.”
Still, others on the Republican side took issue with the legislation for other reasons. Rob Draco, a Republican senator, said, “The problem with STUPID LAWS is that it’s not enough! I agree with my colleagues that everyone should be labelled a predatory pedophile for life, but I don’t think this legislation makes them suffer enough.” He’d also like to see the public registry expanded to include any woman who’s had an abortion since 1973, listing them as a child murderer. Some amended proposals included banning them from being within 1,000 feet of places where children might be, having custody of children, and prohibiting them from thinking about children; the process would require quarterly check-ins and polygraphs. He eventually withdrew his proposals so the bill could be passed unanimously without further delay. “At the end of the day, you’ve got to do it for that 1 child. Hopefully, next session, we can build upon what we accomplished here. We live in a post-9/11 world, and even though we can’t stop giving support to organizations that will someday turn their weapons on us through terrorism, we can definitely do something about these citizens who have terrorized society here at home.”
Other provisions of the bill included funding for safety camps, where those already on the list would be required to live. Law enforcement officials are calling this a valuable tool for the monitoring of Sex offenders. Richard Moosetash, spokesman for Law Agents Zealous for Youth Protection—Investigative Group Services (LAZY PIGS) commented that, “There was just nowhere they were allowed to live, so we set these camps up where we know they’re not going anywhere prohibited, there will be no computers for them to stalk children with, and nobody is going to miss them anyway.”
The ACLU is outraged however, and they intend to fight it in court with the case of John Doe, 59, a serial violent sex predator. “The state had ample opportunities,” they say, “To incarcerate Mr. Doe for a longer period of time on any of his 8 prior convictions. This is an infringement upon the rights of him and the one million other sex offenders who have live among us.”
Still, other attorneys see it differently. The Roosevelt Club issued this statement, “The framers of the Constitution never intended to protect people that the masses despised. This is a public safety issue, so there should be no reason to strike it down or question whether it’s an effective way to go about doing it. Just look at how successful the internment of Japanese Americans was in WWII! Since Japan didn’t win the war, we know that this was a big part of it, and I bet it saved at least one child too!”
Path2Hades, LLC., a technology company, is ready to move on a multi-billion dollar contract to install tracking chips in each of the million sex offenders in America. They are also building a network to put a ‘bubble’ around all ‘safe-zones’ and places where children can be. The company spokesman, Niccolo Faustus, spoke with great enthusiasm about the roll-out, “This is only phase-one! After we have chipped the untouchable caste and completed the infrastructure, we’ll be ready to chip all the children. We will never have another unsolved kidnapping again! If a sex offender comes within 50 feet of a child, law enforcement will be notified immediately and parents who really care will be able to upgrade from the government provided base package to a premium subscription where they can be alerted by text and email instantly as well. This bill is a win-win for everyone involved!”
Experts predict that this bill will be good for the economy across the board. “You’re going to see home values rise as these offenders are rounded up and removed from neighborhoods, jobs will be created to build the camps, more guards will be employed, sex offenders’ jobs will be filled by law-abiding citizens, stocks will rise from the 2 Trillion dollars that we’re borrowing from the rest of the world to fund it. The list of benefits of this legislation is endless!”
Anchorman: Well, there you have it. I think we’ll all sleep easier knowing that our lawmakers fixed this problem.
Anchorwoman: And isn’t it refreshing to see them drop the partisanship and work together?
Anchorman: It sure is.(chuckles) And this really is a cause that brings out the best in all of us. So, from all of us to all of you, Goodnight, and don’t forget to tune in tomorrow for our special report on something that nearly everyone does without knowing how dangerous it really is.

I know this is off topic, but it’s definitely relevant to the tide finally changing away from draconian rule of law. The decision was ruled based on a violation of the Eighth Amendment banning cruel and unusual punishment. I’d like to see the abolition of the registry on the same grounds.

http://www.sfgate.com/crime/article/Federal-judge-rules-California-s-death-penalty-5625926.php