Living with 290: Effects on a sex offenders family

My family has been going through a rough patch lately with law enforcement. My mom’s longtime boyfriend, the man that we have claimed as our dad. He has become such a part of the family and taught us so much over the years that we claim him as our dad. In October of 2018, we refused a search – he did not. My mother told them that if they wanted to search the bedrooms of my sister, brother and I – all of whom are adults, they needed to get a warrant. They had already searched the common areas and my stepdad’s area. The first time they ever came to the house, they said that they had no reason or right to search our personal bedrooms. We allowed the search in 2017 but under the advice of a lawyer, we told them to get a warrant. A few days later, they arrested my stepdad. This was the first of multiple charges they placed on him. Let me be clear, HE NEVER SAID NO. My mother said no. We locked our bedroom doors. We had the keys. He couldn’t let them in if he wanted to. But the warrant that was sworn out – it stated that he had refused a search.

My stepdad has been on the registry for nearly 20 years. He’s never been in trouble in all of that time. He’s never even had a traffic ticket. So there was some stuff he didn’t know. He didn’t know to report in after we got him out of jail. The result was them arresting him again on that and charging him with violation of probation again.

Dealing with these people can be traumatic. They have gone as far as telling us that if we don’t like our rights being violated – we should leave him. He couldn’t afford this house on his own – in July of 2017, he got the house and my mom helps pay on things as does everyone else. Aside from my stepdad, we all were in college. It was a practical way to live, at home and we had never had issues with it. We are the kind of people who go to work, go to school, go to the store and we come home. We don’t go out much.

During one of the many searches, they searched our animals ashes. Starting in September of 2015, some of our animals died from a virus. We lost three cats to the virus. All within months. September 2015; December 2015; January 2016. In July of 2017, we lost another cat to feline diabetes. And just last year, 2018 – we lost a dog to kidney cancer. Because it was never our intention to stay in this state – we had our animals cremated. We keep them in wooden boxes with a false bottom. Their ashes were in sealed bags. The probation officers came in and searched their ashes. Not only should that have been a health code violation but it was disrespectful to the dead and it broke our hearts all over again.

Having the animals where we had them, it was our way of honoring them. We have other animals that are still living – all of our current dogs are rescues. Two of our cats are and one has been with me since his birth nearly 12 years ago. When they come to search – we put them in cages for their safety and harness the dogs. They poked something through the bars of the cats cages and scared two of the cats so bad that they urinated on themselves. Our dogs, right alongside us were forced to sit on the porch. It was cold. My mom was barefoot and had shorts on. She has a heart condition. I was recovering from bronchitis at the time. None of us were dressed for the cold but we were kept on the porch for two hours in the cold. When we came in, the house was a mess. We had broken picture frames, some of my art supplies were broken. Drawers pulled out. This on top of the animals ashes being violated. They had flipped my brothers bed.

One of the next times they came to search, I had two safe boxes in my bedroom. This time they held us in the kitchen. One was empty and one had my knife collection. All of which are legal and are pocket knives. They asked for the keys which I had left in my jacket pocket on the porch. I went to retrieve the keys and I was escorted into my bedroom by three male officers. I stood at the foot of my bed with two at my left and one standing behind me. I was afraid to open the box with my knives so I asked if they really wanted me to open the box, when they asked what was in it, I told them it was my knives – all of which are legal. They made me move back while they searched my knives. I’d like to say something to explain just why this was so traumatic. A few years back, I had been stalked and assaulted in college. I don’t like to be touched or crowded, I also don’t like my space being violated. After their search, I had nightmares for weeks. It got to the point where I was afraid to sleep because my personal space – it felt wrong to me. I know that doesn’t make sense to most but it’s the only way I know to describe it.

I have had to sit at the kitchen table with my family while they search and have been forced to sit there and stay calm while a probation officer looks down my shirt. We all knew he was doing it but we were afraid to do anything. I’ve had to watch my stepdad almost hyperventilate every time he reports to probation because he never knows when they are going to arrest him again.

We were going to do something as a family but the area that the thing was in – it’s not an area we are familiar with. My stepdad was violated again and this time they violated him on the sex offender registry. The day before Thanksgiving, they revoked his bond. We didn’t celebrate. We spent three days waiting to hear something because they had him on a suicide watch. He’s still incarcerated. He’s lost his job and everyone pitch hits with the bills and such. They took away a member of our family and have made his life miserable because they say he’s a sex offender. He didn’t do what he was accused of to begin with. He took the plea deal because they told him that nobody would believe him, and when he said he didn’t understand his Miranda rights because he has a learning disability, they said he did understand and that if he didn’t take the plea deal, he’d spend up to 18 years in jail.

Because the public defender was not very good, he was afraid and didn’t have anyone to guide him through the process – so he took the deal. As we have been researching and reading, we find more and more cases in the state of Tennessee where they have done this to supposed sex offenders. It seems to be a pattern.

This has been ongoing and is still in process. There’s not a lot that can be said to ease what they’ve done and what they are continuing to do. I know we aren’t the only ones to be put in this position but in the moment when you have to sit there and you can’t do anything – it feels like you are being targeted. At the moment, we are being led to believe that because of who we love – who we live with, we have no rights. We have even been told that we are sex offenders. What kind of justice is this? Right is right and wrong is wrong and what’s going on is wrong. They’ve violated our rights and made us fear what they’ll do to my stepdad, and even to us or our animals.

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I am sorry. I am speechless. I am grateful that you stand by your stepfather. I pray for strength and peace for all of you. Thank you for sharing.

Can you tell us where this is going on? My God, what a nightmare. What you described sounds more like Waffen SS searching the homes of Jews in the 1930s. Sadly, it’s easy to believe these are American police officers and how people in positions of authority will abuse helpless people when given the chance. I’ll bet they high fives each other and had lunch at a local greasy spoon where they get free meals because they’re “heroes.”
Anyway, my heart goes out to you, your family and your dad. You sound like good people to me and it’s those pig cops who are the real threat to the community.

I believe I read your situation was in Tennessee. Sad to say that similar abuse by law enforcement on the family (including children young or old) has also happened in Orange County, CA. It unbelieveable that under the pretense “if it saves just one child” the abuse and trauma that law enforcement can and does inflict on the entire family and children. It wasn’t that long ago it seems law enforcement was trained to accomplish an assignment/task without being cruel. However it is now the “Blue Line” Mentality or Us against them.

My god! What a nightmare! Have you spoken to a lawyer regarding having all your rights like this violated? I don’t mean your stepfather. I mean your and the rest of your families? You might have a major civil lawsuit on your hands.

I’m not going to finish reading this post coz I’m already tearing up…..this is messed up. I feel so bad for this family, and angry to my core.

Here in Michigan my family has been victimized by law enforcement on many occasions, they have showed up many times too my home demanding too enter for one reason or another know you are not alone, one day this must change . I feel your pain and just know you are not alone and very please too see your family isn’t buying their B.S . its a shame they get away with these actions.total abuse of power Keep up the fight ! We will never except these unconstitutional laws that support this kind of punitive reform by power.

I was thinking about your circumstances as I drove to work and became incensed at the notion that the cops sent to harass your family because your dad is, in their eyes, a sexual deviant, are sexually assaulting you by leering down your shirt. Oh, the irony. They are truly pigs in every sense of the word.
It’s hard to feel sorry for cops killed in the line of duty when I think of stories like yours or other cops like the one who body slammed a teenage quadruple amputee.
Ugh!

Is your step-dad on probation or parole?

Your stepfather’s experience should be an object lesson for us all:

1. Don’t talk to the police, do not submit to interviews. Ideally, you should never answer the door when the police come. You have NO obligation to do so.

2. Don’t submit to unwarranted searches. Practice saying, in a mirror if necessary: “NO!” and “I’m not answering questions” or “I don’t give interviews.”

Your stepfather is now paying the price for surrendering his rights.

I think that it would be a good idea to add a tab to the ACSOL website entitled: “How To Deal With the Police.”

I think anyone that has to deal with this mess needs to get smart and be aware of what’s going on. Those who are fortunate to have the help of family or friends should try to help to those who don’t. People also need to realize that many cops are being trained to assume the worst out of registrants and treat every incident or visitation as some alien encounter. They only know “law” in the sense that to them “you’re guilty” or “you did something” and they just have to line-up what the next offense that you’re committing is. They are fed and subsequently feed into the narrative of registrants.

A very simple principle we could all benefit from would be that “fair is fair”. But nothing about this system was made that way. 1,000,000 registrants will not stop 1 crime. It will instead harm 1,000,000 families and diminish their opportunity to reintegrate and succeed. This “administrative” policy is administrating a group of people with VARYING backgrounds, many of whom were probably productive and normal people prior to their offense. But now they’ll have to depend on the state to figure out what to do next. But they won’t get anywhere as long as the state plays BOTH sides and continues to contribute to the negative image in society AND pushes to see these people “step up and take responsibility”. They cripple a guy and then beat him for being crippled.

My stepdad is on community lifetime supervision. We just got him out today. He was locked up from the day before Thanksgiving until December 19th. He took a plea deal because it was bad.
We have spoken with a lawyer but until we get him out of the county – it will do us no good. The county views anyone living with my stepdad as a sex offender. In addition, anything we do – it will come back on him. We can’t move until he has approval and we have the money to get him out and in order to move – a residence has to be set up. If we had the means – we’d be moving already.
In the end, we’ve researched and we do what we have to but you never know what they want. It’s about what they THINK the law means. Not the letter of the law. We follow as best as we can – but it’s difficult to sit somewhere and watch what they do.
I’ve run the numbers that are available online and calculated the percentage of RSO’s compared to the population and how many are on the registry and 1 in how many per state are on the registry. It was a late night project. If my numbers are right – about 16% of the population are on the registry or fall under Megan’s law. 1 in 383 roughly.
Thank you all for reading this. I feel that the more people speak out – the more chance there is of having something done to correct the injustice.

We talked to multiple lawyers. There is not a precedent for cohabitation with a sex offender. That’s the argument.

Sadly being on Lifetime Supervision in your state permits warrantless searches(according to your post)

The right decisions are always the hardest and your stepfather should make the very hard decision to live apart from the rest of the family in order to protect them. Sooner or later the police will find something on one of the other family members. The family will never win this one because of the Lifetime Supervision rules.

If he loves the members of the family, he will leave them and not allow them to be harassed further because of him. People have sacrificed much more for far less.

This is a decision HE should make and hopefully not corner the family into abandoning him. You can still love him and support him and vice versa… but he needs to live alone, forever. It is the right thing for him to do.

I think an interesting thing to do would be for her to print out this entire thread, all the posts and replies and have the stepfather read them.

Let him see what offenders say, all the different perspectives and see what decision he makes.

Anyone want to guess what he will do?

I live with my girlfriend of over a year in our own apartment and recently found out that we are expecting our first child. I’m filled with a lot of uncertainty because parole is already giving me the run around. I don’t even know if they will allow me to still live here. If I’m made to move out i will be homeless. I have been out now for just over 2 years and have been violation free. If anyone has been through a similar situation or has any advice for me I’d greatly appreciate it.

When I was a kid, I wanted to become a police officer.

I liked their badges, and their uniforms, and I think there was a certain romanticized notion of being the “good guy” catching “bad guys”.

But since I’ve grown older, and especially since finding myself on the business end of the law…I’ve realized just how there really aren’t “good guys” and “bad guys”, that the supposed “good guys” can just as easily be the “bad guys”.

We don’t really have a justice system in this country. Justice is largely subjective and arbitrary. Instead we have a politicized legal system that has as its sole aim not the greater good, but the attempt of a political class to satisfy a vindictive public.