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Commentary

Kat’s Blog: The Silent War

There are silent wars going on in thousands of households across this country. They are the quiet, underlying disputes between family members of registrants, those that speak openly about the registrant in their lives and those family members that take the “less said, the better” stance.

Both sides may be totally at peace and supportive of the registrant they care about, but a cavernous gap lies between the opposing sides, as gap as wide as the Grand Canyon.

For many of us, the more we open up to family, friends and acquaintances about the un-justices of the registry, the more we advocate, the better off we feel registrants will be.

Our counter-parts see things much differently. Their mottos are something along the lines of “let sleeping dogs lie” and “don’t air our dirty laundry in public.” They are leery of bringing unwanted attention to their families, they worry about the embarrassment they might face, and for many, they’re just plain scared of the unknown.

At some point early on, both sides discussed who they would tell and what they would say about the registrant in their life.  Discussions may have led to arguments and arguments to angry words. One side wants to tell family and friends, they want to speak openly, they want the support that others can provide. The other side doesn’t want anyone to know anything. They’re fearful of “word getting out”, that family, friends, and the community may turn on them merely because of their association to a registrant.

There are no winners in this kind of war. No right or wrong.

The silent war is occurring right now. Spouses slowly, unconsciously, cease discussing the topic with each other. Parents disagree and distance themselves from grandparents. Grandparents no longer boast to friends about their grandchild. Children quietly wonder why all the grownups are mad.

We stop communicating, we are caught up in the insanity of the registry and it is straining our relationships. The silence is deafening.

We need to take a breath and realize that the silent war is not us against them. It’s not our viewpoint vs. their viewpoint.

The silent war is all of us against “the silence”. A silence that has kept us from speaking to each other, from speaking out against the registry.

We need to end the silent war.

We need to communicate with each other so that together we can communicate our views to the rest of the world.

United we stand. Divided, we don’t get anywhere.

 

Join the discussion

  1. Jack

    You know I thought the same thing when the idea of a tired registry came about. Just another way to pit registered sex offenders against each other, and prevent the kind of uprising that would be needed to do away with the thing entirely.

  2. Tim in WI

    Sex sells well, especially lurid sex as Howard Stern would tell you!
    Is it the label in dispute OR something else concrete in its use?
    As described by author is truth in family dissonance on the issue.
    Joblessness & homelessness will do that to any family.

    Ability to earn in most cases is aided by unfettered movement of work force. Unnecessary regulation chills individual range for employment! Any pro sports registrants would have to register in every state he plays in. Mobile machine techs earn high salaries but must travel extensively triggering a new obligation(s) via interstate commerce clauses in reg. statute.

    • H

      @Tim in WI. You hit the nail on the head, I have to travel in my line of work and have to watch the different state laws closely and have had to turn down work out of country due to IML. It’s difficult to get ahead in the game of life when your with the Scarlett Letter a fixed to you.

  3. Daughter promoting kindness

    I am the daughter of an RSO. I cant even begin to tell you the hell my family and I are going through! I have been living this nightmare for 37yrs and its getting worse! I lost my job after 24yrs due to a family member being on the registry..my dad! I WANT TO SAY I LOVE MY DAD UNCONDITIONALLY WITHOUT BORDERS! I am the kindest nicest person you would ever meet. My beautifully prefect dad created me. We need help! We need an uprising! This registry is inhumane, you just wait tho, once the corrupt police registry grows they will see what all of us have endured for years!

    BE AWARE there is a scam going on right NOW… My parents got this horrific scam I grab the phone and flipped out on the creeper harassing my dad this happened 2-8-2020. They are Stating that they are calling from the local sheriff department and the requested DNA has not been received so a warrant was sent out for my dads arrest. THIS SCAM IS SCARY AND DAMAGING! My parents are old…why cant they be left alone!!!???? What if my nephew answered the phone??

    PLEASE HEAR THIS FROM ME! YOU ARE ALL LOVED AND I AM SORRY FOR THE DIFFICULTIES YOU ALL ENDURE DAILY!

    Someone out there please care and help us! We are desperate! My Dad has been abused all his life this registry is absolutely a continuation of abuse! How can anyone survive this mental abuse! GOD PLEASE HELP US ALL! Why wont anyone stop these laws! I am begging for some one to give a damn!!! Please help us PLEASE!!!!

    • Bill

      @Daughter promoting kindness

      Do you have an emotional support group where you are at? We have one here in L.A. that helps us Registrants cope with the onslaught of wrong and unfairness of this Registry.

      And believe us we give a damn. Janice, Chance, and company have been fighting for us for many years lifting residency restrictions and push for a Tier system that allow Registrants the opportunity to get off the Registry.

      As painfully slow these changes come an emotional group can help you cope through these difficult times.

      And we love you too.

    • Laura Mordaunt

      Dear Daughter…your strength is amazing. I am the wife of an incarcerated spouse who upon his release will be on the registry for life. His offense was as many of 1000s that are/will be on the registry for a non-violent non-contact offense. Not one victim appeared to give a statement; only the Orange County detectives who all now have been promoted into jobs at the OCDA’s office. However just like yourself the real silent victims in all of this Registry Insanity which goes on to save just 1-child has been and will be our 16 year old son, who as a child of “10” had his father removed by CPS and subjected to abuse by CPS and detectives appearing at his school in order to question him, repeatedly in hope he would change his story. A child/teenager/son forever who has never committed a crime but now will for the rest of his life have to navigate the tremendous burden of a registry filled with pitfalls. There are no word that can express my fear and/or sorrow in his and your reality as a person with a parent on the registry. Please Daughter promoting kindness….Stay strong and know you are not alone in this fight.

  4. Jack

    That’s horrible I’m so sorry. Have you thought about suing your employer for unlawful termination? I’m certain if you could prove your father’s past actions were the reason that would fit.

  5. Facts should matter

    “We need to end the silent war.”

    Yes, and also need to stop embracing the “it is what it is” mentality and start poking the bear! Society has already become increasingly paranoid and suspicious of each other in the last 20 years and the registry just further exacerbates this.

    This is the conversation nobody wants to initiate, but nothing will change until we get nasty and in their faces. Cops need to called out out and told to their faces that they’re not promoting public safety by enforcing the registry. “I’m just doing my job.” Perhaps, but you’re not doing a GOOD job or GOOD work promoting hate. To hell with their feelings! I want their morale to be as low as ours. They’re not protecting the hopes and dreams of children. I don’t care how many perverts they catch with those stings, it doesn’t negate all the collateral harm they’re doing.

  6. Harry

    The “need to know” is better. I am not hiding and I am not chasing everyone down to tell. I live in a small city most everyone that knows me is aware about my past and really do not care. I had only couple of “Johnny-come-lately’s” went on hysteria trips and was quickly voided. I avoid all appearance of wrong intensions or associations.

  7. w

    Resistance is the only way to move the immovable. The system is indiscriminate in how they treat registrants…fine, it doesn’t matter. They found a community that they can ride to an easy promotion. They found all the justification they need to further their agenda and put work on the table.

    So take their power away. The system can and WILL fall when people decide. Get smart, stay informed, and be strong. There are people trying to help. Families, advocates, judges, even cops. They are out numbered but only because the rso “marketing machine” is ingenious and profitable. The few “good” people are being pushed out.

    Society itself is to blame for allowing things to go this far. It is just too easy to join the herd and pour gas on the fire.

    But once again resistance is the key. You have allies. Your biggest ally is YOU. Don’t give up.

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